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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.