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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.