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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment