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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.