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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.