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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.