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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.