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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.