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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.