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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.