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They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)