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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw