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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"