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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?