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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.