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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!