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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.