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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.