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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake