Daily Silly Status

Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”

I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham

For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...

I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.

Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.

Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire

I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...

Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.

I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things

I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.