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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?