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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
The problem with diets is pizza.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.