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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Iām too young to be too old for everything.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.