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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.