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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I just made you think of an elephant
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks