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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.