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It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
My body needs a refresh button.