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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Iām not drunk, Iām just exhausted from drinking all night.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Valentines day
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."