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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]