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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.