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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.