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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.