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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.