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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?