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Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Iām that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Mondays are middle finger approved
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.