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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Can I get likes for no reason?
I like people the most when I`m by myself.