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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of