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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?