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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.