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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?