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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.