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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`