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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up