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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D