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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
You look like I need another drink
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
My mind has a mind of its own.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.