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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Good for you, people that do things.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
It`s no fun if you have permission.