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If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…