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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!