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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?