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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?