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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what Iām doing.