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Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.