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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.