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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.