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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"